OUR STORY: THE XX CHROMOSOMES
Artist’s Note on OUR STORY: THE XX CHROMOSOMES:
Should one miss the pebble in their shoe? Well, in some ways, I am almost ashamed to say I do! You see, after having my so-called ovarian “pebbles,” which were more like oranges, removed, I began feeling like a gutted fish. I expected the opposite to happen after my surgery. Nothing prepared me for the sleepless nights, the drenching sweats, the hot flashes (at times, I felt like a rotisserie chicken, simply spinning away), headaches, hair loss, and, most embarrassing of all, the brain fog. My body seemed to have a mind of its own.
Our Story: The XX Chromosomes is a 12-part series of watercolor essays documenting a woman's life without estrogen and the unexpected experiences following a hysterectomy. While recovering at home, I began painting what I was feeling each day. Feeling as though my organs had been displaced, I connected with the image of a freshly gutted fish. I thought of the many women in and out of my own family who had been through similar experiences. The fish represents us all.
We have come a long way from the days when women's distress was dismissed as hysteria and women were sent away to asylums. Yet, when it comes to women's health, it still feels as though we are living in the Dark Ages.
Each watercolor essay tells a visual story, from surgery through the symptoms that followed, capturing these experiences in their simplest, surrealistic form. My hope is that the story becomes recognizable and understandable to everyone, regardless of gender.
#1: The open fish with fingers represents the feeling of being “emptied out,” invaded, and assaulted by the operation.
#2: The fingers opening the upside fish to reveal the enlarging tumors represents the feeling of emptiness after the surgery.
#3: The two open, upside down fish, with blue blood dripping downward represent the feeling of pain, confusion and depression similar to Picasso’s Blue Period.
#4: Fingers opening the mouth to allow “talking fish tumors” to spill out represent the aching need to share this story.
#5: The fish fillet with nothing in it outline negative space and represents the feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and worthlessness.
#6: Five fish with surgical instruments embedded into their eyes represent the surgical tools used to puncture five holes into my abdomen.
#7: This is a vagina fish after the insertion of estradiol cream. It represents the acceptance that the youthful vagina, once shared with my husband, was no more.
#8: Fish on fire barbecue represents the terrible hot flashes that threw me right into menopause.
#9: This is the Hair Loss Fish that represents the loss of estrogen that affects every part of me.
#10: This is the Raindrop Fish that represents the confusing emotions that creates chromosome-shaped tears.
#11: This is the fish of sleepless nights. This is the Stargaze Cassiopeia Fish that represents the sleep deprivation that left me staring at the stars shaped in a “W” while everyone else was asleep.
#12: This is the Brain Fog Fish. This fish represents the horror of forgetfulness and the inability to recall simple things that caused me to question if I was experiencing early dementia.